I give up.

Seriously now, I give up. lord, I lay everything in your hands, I don't have the energy to keep up with all this. Give me energy to finsh everything. Jesus, this doesn't help me. I won't learn a thing by writing this. Except the spelling of believe. God, this is not the right way, is it? Lord, what is the right way? What is right? Is anything right? I don't think so. Sometimes it feels like I'm just the last person on the surface of the earth to deserve any grade at all in English. Sometimes it feels like I'm just really bad at everything and that the only reason that I'm living is that You made a mistake. Yes, I know, you love me so much that you even have counted the hairs on my head. But that doesn't matter anymore, because I'm just a mistake. I'm a mistake. The words are echoing in my head, over and over again. I'm a mistake. I know, I'm just foolish and dumb, but I'd like to believe, just for once, that I'm good at something, that I'm the best when it comes to something, but that won't happen. Sure, I'm better than most people in something. But there is still people who are better than me. someone once told me that everyone is the best in something, even though it might be something as silly as counting to ten, you are still the best. It's just a matter of finding the thing you are the best at. And you know what Jesus? I don't think I'm capable of finding my thing. I just don't. Yes, that's not the best thing I can say, but if you'd loved me, if you'd cared for me, then maybe, just maybe, you would have helped me. But you don't help me. You don't even try. I hate you sometimes, right now for example, but I love you so much other times. But I can't tell you I love you right now, I can't tell you I'm happy with how you treat my prayers. "God knows what's best for you" - my ass you do. You don't know anything, do you?
You know what? I'm hanging up now. And I do not want to talk to you, so don't you dare to come knocking on my shoulder next week to tell me what's right for me.

Gosh, you know what? Sometimes you start praying for one thing, and then you end up with a prayer in another universe or something. It feels like you didn't even have the feelings you had in the beginning when you've reached the end. Maybe there's a point in that. I'm just confused, so I think I'm gonna stop writing now, before I write something I'll have to regret later.

Kommentarer

Kommentera inlägget här:

Namn:
Kom ihåg mig?

E-postadress: (publiceras ej)

URL/Bloggadress:

Kommentar:

Trackback
RSS 2.0