Tommy och Wero

If I would do a list over what not to write in the NSTs then that list would be very long. If I, on the other hand, would write a list on what to write, then that list would be very short. I kind of miss when you could write basically anything and still get that Pass with Special Distinction. Right now it doesn't really matter what I'm writing, I don't make it anyways. Someone told me that if my English teacher doesn't give me a Pass with Special Distinction, then that's not my fault. Then it would be her not being able to giving her students the right grades. But seriously, I think that's not really a problem. It's not the grade I need. It's the peace I need, for my senses sake. And to actually be as good as Tomas (yes, I'm still mad at you) and get grades at least in the vicinity of his grades.

When I started at this school my goals were set on getting 17.5 when I was done. Before I counted all the qualification points (you know like the one extra point you get if you've pass some courses, like Swedish C), right now I don't think I can make that. I don't think I will make anything higher than 15. But on the other hand I don't understand which course I think I'm getting a Pass in.

You might think I've got high expectations on myself, but I don't think I have, I just think I know what I want and then I decide to get it. And then I do. There's nothing weird with that, is it? That would be like you saying that in a year or two you will finish school and start working. I just put my goals in another direction. Is there something wrong with that? Is there something wrong with actually knowing what you want, just once? I hope it's not, because then I will have to change, and I don't feel like changing. I don't feel like anything right now, but I try anyway. I have to, otherwise I won't even have a chance to make it, as if I had that now...

My Swedish teacher thinks I need to believe more in myself and what I do. She thinks the only thing I actually need is a bit more confidence, which I can agree to, but I don't know how you do to believe in yourself. I don't feel like I know how to do anything.

I'm sorry, there's a lot of complains right now. I don't have anywhere else to complain and I need the complaining. It actually makes me feel better.

Lord, I know I say stupid things. You know, I say that I'm going to give up and that I don't know if you actually work. I have never lied to you, but it feels like you abandon me every time I've got a problem, then suddenly, I sit there, all by myself, with no one to talk to. And then, at that time, I don't have anyone, you're not there either. You just leave me when I need you the most. That makes me feel kind of weird as I don't know what I do wrong. You just hate me because I'm black? When am I going to do my NST-speaking part? Are you with me when I do it? Are you there to save me from my failing grades? Are you there at all? Sure, God, I know you're there; you're always there, even when I think you're not. I love you Jesus. I love you God.